NAVY HUMOR
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SHIPBOARD SIMULATION AT HOME
#1 - (Thanks Jack Nelson - JNelson103@aol.com )
30 Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy When You're at Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 degrees C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from 2 to 95 degrees C.
27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
29. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.
30. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.
#2 -
Subject:
Fw: Sea Duty
Date:
Wed, 13 Dec 2000 09:17:45 -0800
From:
"jim thompson"
To:
"Jim Thompson"
----- Original Message -----
From: "Jason DeBord"
To: "Barbara DeBord"
Sent: Tuesday, December 12, 2000 8:23 PM
Subject: Sea Duty
Dad might get a big chuckle out of this! Know he always cracks up when other former Navy folks long for the 'good old days'!
Longing for the Good Old Days of Sea Duty ?
The first thing to do is fix yourself a big cup of warm water, into which you've stirred one teaspoon of diesel oil & one teaspoon of salt. Drink quickly while on the run....THEN
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
2. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
3. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
4. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
5. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
6. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
8. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
9. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
10. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
11. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
12. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
13. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.
14. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.
15. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
16. Invite 75 people to come over to your house and visit for a couple of months.
17. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
18. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
19. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
20. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "man overboard, starboard side." Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
21. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for three or four hours. And say .. again to no one in particular "stove secured" Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
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